We believe that casual, sexual encounters are a valid form of sexual expression, as long as proper STI testing measures are in place. We can help you along your journey as you evolve as a SafestSex.org member.
Casual sex contributes greatly to the rise of STIs, so we will briefly discuss issues relevant to the sexual behavior of men who have sex with men (MSM), as they account for the largest rate of infection, attributed to multiple casual partners – an important consideration for any STI prevention strategy. The “don’t care” attitude is widespread as the Internet offers an enormous amount of free pornography, expanding men’s repertoire and legitimizing sexual fantasies and fetishes previously perceived as taboo. This in turn has created an increased number of men who knowingly risk their health by engaging in high-risk behavior, such as “bare backing” with strangers, in order to fulfill long-held needs.
Before continuing, the reader should be warned that this is not an approach that resonates with everyone, particularly because of the emphasis placed on shame. The information on this webpage will make the most sense to readers willing to let go of Sexual Orientation as a concept and examine the experience of shame and thus understand its role in homophobia and anonymous sexual encounters.
In this discussion of casual sex, we do not use Sexual Orientation to explain sexual behavior. The notion that people are gay, straight, and in-between is very difficult to relinquish because for most people there is an emotional investment in those roles. Straight-identified men very are proud to not be gay and take their straight role very seriously. The same goes for gay-identified people who most have struggled very hard to come to terms and fully accept their identity. Despite these common perceptions, “being-straight” and “being-gay” makes no sense.
What do we mean by this?
Corporeal Epistemology, the theoretical framework of this discussion, is based on a theory of the body developed by the Glasshouse Institute, an organization dedicated to the study of shame and masculinity. Briefly, Corporeal Epistemology views the body as an object of knowledge and interprets Erotic Arousal and Desire as a direct result of the dynamics of the body as an object of knowledge: Eroticism is the result of the tension between “to see the object” and “to be seen by the object”, to be touched and being touched. Erotic Desire is no longer a human experience of mysterious origin but a concept that can be easily understood.
Sexual scripts
Sexual Orientation, sometimes referred to as erotic preference, is the de facto model of human sexuality. Although the notion that people are born or somehow become gay, straight or in-between is widely accepted, sexual orientation is a weak concept because it attempts to explain human sexual arousal and behavior in a very simplistic way. Sexual Orientation fails to capture the richness of the experience of desire that people feel for other bodies and their own.
Sexual Orientation is perceived as deterministic of a person’s identity. If a 12 year old boy dreams of naked women then he is “straight”, competitive, will most likely play sports, eventually get married and have children. But if this same 12 year old boy dreams about a “cock” or naked boys, then he is gay, and therefore will be flamboyant, and probably die of AIDS. What a pre-historic perception of desire and sexuality!
Alfred Kinsey is the sex researcher responsible for the famous Kinsey Scale. This scale assigns a number from 0 to 6 based on the amount of homosexual or heterosexual experiences or fantasies an individual has. The scale is as follows:
· 0-Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual
· 1-Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
· 2-Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
· 3-Equally heterosexual and homosexual
· 4-Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
· 5-Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
· 6-Exclusively homosexual
Unfortunately, the Kinsey Scale is almost always misunderstood. The Kinsey Scale says that a person who has an equal amount of heterosexual and homosexual experiences or fantasies can be described as Kinsey-3. However, those people are erroneously said to “be Kinsey-3”. In 1948, Alfred Kinsey warned against this subtle but important difference. He writes:
"For nearly a century the term homosexual in connection with human behavior has been applied to sexual relationships, either overt or psychic, between individuals of the same sex... It would encourage clearer thinking on these matters if persons were not characterized as heterosexual or homosexual, but as individuals who have had certain amounts of heterosexual experience and certain amounts of homosexual experience. Instead of using these terms as substantives which stand for persons, or even as adjectives to describe persons, they may better be used to describe the nature of overt sexual relations, or of the stimuli to which an individual erotically responds." Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (Kinsey, et al., 1948, p.656)
Viewing desire and sex from the point of view of Sexual Orientation does not contribute to the understanding of erotic desire and sex, particularly the no-strings-attached (NSA) or anonymous kind of erotic desire. Wikipedia, for example, makes this common mistake when defining the Kinsey Scale. Understanding sexual desire through Sexual Orientation is like trying to understand the Universe using the Geocentric Model, where the Earth is considered to be at the centre of the Universe.
It is best to move away from the notion that erotic desire directed towards men and women is determined by some mysterious concept that has never been proven to exist. Sexual Orientation is treated as a valid part of the human experience without anyone questioning its existence.
This section of the website is aimed at men who have sex with men or fantasize about sex with men, mainly in anonymous or casual sexual situations. We will refer to non-monogamous sex as “No strings attached” (NSA), or as casual sex or casual encounters. We will also use “anonymous encounter” to highlight the anonymous aspect of a particular kind of sexual experience. Masturbating to a pornographic video is, for instance, an anonymous sexual experience. There are various levels of anonymity, from meeting using a smartphone app and going for coffee before sex, to a completely anonymous encounter in dark rooms or gloryholes.
The ideas that sex is a “couple experience” or that men who seek anonymous sex are “afraid of intimacy” are inaccurate and only help promote shame for those who defy the social norms of long-term monogamous relationship as the goal in their sex lives.
Most people have trouble accepting anonymous sex as a valid sexual expression because, independent of the moral dilemma, it is irresponsible to ignore the issue of STIs. Fortunately, SafestSex.org has changed the conditions that help demonize non-monogamous sex and outlines steps to prevent STI transmission; the possibility for casual sex without the risk of STIs has become a reality. Totally anonymous encounters are prohibited for new members of SafestSex.org because of the potential danger of infection. However, members with a proven, responsible record can request access to another site allowing a SafestSex.org member access to sex parties and truly anonymous sexual opportunities.
This discussion is on the topic of all-male casual and anonymous sex, and is particularly aimed at men who are troubled because, apart from the health risk, they perceive their sexual fantasies and needs as deviant, illegitimate, or perverse.
When Laud Humphreys conducted the research in the mid 60’s for his landmark book Tearoom Trade: Impersonal sex in public places (1970) he didn’t have the information that is now available. The Internet now offers an endless amount of information that Humphreys could only have dreamed of having at his disposal in the 1960’s. The observations presented here are based on years of thorough analysis of online material such as profiles, chats, forums, smartphone apps as well as academic work such as Finding Erotic Oases: Locating the Sites of Men’s Same-Sex Anonymous Sexual Encounters, a Richard Tewksbury 2008 article published in the Journal of Homosexuality. A history of public toilets in Toronto discusses anonymous sexual encounters, events that date back to the end of the 19th Century.
Tweksbury says "…anonymous sexual relations between two men are widely considered deviant...". Anonymous sex between men is widespread in spite of its reputation. Using Sexual Orientation as a model of sexuality and thus accepting the notion that men are gay, straight, and in-between, does not explain why so many men favor casual encounters with other men to a loving monogamous relationship with another man. Furthermore, it’s very common to find male couples involved in long-term loving relationships that have opted for an open relationship, thus allowing each other to continue with casual sexual experiences. The question is: why?
Casual sex is commonly referred to as “sex with no emotions.” This statement shows a lack of connectedness with this subject. Men who enjoy sex in parks, clubs, or with partners found online, describe the experience of “hunting” for anonymous sex as a powerful emotional experience. Most definitely, shame is part of the emotional repertoire that many men experience, especially right after orgasm. Some men feel in-love with a casual sexual partner during the encounter. Emotions play an important role in “sex with no emotions”.
What becomes apparent is that the critical view of casual sex as sex without emotions shows the lack of understanding of this important sexual behavior, an understanding which may be crucial for the prevention of STIs.
Sexual Orientation presents the male body as a forbidden fruit to those men who do not identify as gay or bisexual. This is probably the most damaging effect that Sexual Orientation has on the male psyche. The question that remains is, “Why is not the female body a forbidden fruit to women?” Young girls sometimes exchange personal garments with a girlfriend, or sleep together with absolutely no intention of transforming the encounter into a sexual one. Where is this double standard coming from? Any time a man shows a curiosity for another male body or male genitals, the immediate assumption is that he is gay. For example, Cristiano Ronaldo, a very famous Portuguese soccer player, was caught on video mesmerized by the view of his teammate’s crotch and then demonstrating that realization that he looked at the forbidden fruit. People then concluded that Cristiano Ronaldo is Gay. If what had captivated Cristiano Ronaldo’s attention had been a breath-taking sunset, would he have been required to censor himself?
The Reality of Men (1988) suggests that men’s relationship with desire is shaped by the experience of the erection:
· “Men are in a Glasshouse when it comes to sexual feelings. Men's sexual feelings are transparent, visible. As a result, the penis and the erection, play a large part in shaping the behavior and the general life experience of men.”
· “…[male sexuality] is visible. Men cannot allow themselves to experience their own sexual feelings whenever they arise. They are always suppressing them, trying to control the response of their penis. Always restricting these feelings to times and places of guaranteed privacy.”
The idea brought forth by The Glasshouse Institute; that Exposed Eroticism affects men’s erotic and sexual life is a very simple concept and one that makes a lot of sense. According to Corporeal Epistemology; a set of theories that help explain desire and sexuality, the motivation for anonymous sex is related to the Exposed Eroticism and the feelings of shame.
Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex, and the Birth of the Self (1994) by Donald Nathanson is the best source of information about shame and a summary of his approach is available in Conversation with Donald Nathanson. Nathanson breaks down the experience of shame into a biological aspect and a learned aspect — or “shame scripts”. The experience of shame is a very unpleasant one, so unpleasant that as soon as shame is triggered it is replaced by other emotions, a phenomenon which Nathanson refers to as The Compass of Shame.
Shame is often perceived as punishment and associated with evil, especially in religion. It is something one must get rid of it and never experience again. Shame is used to punish those who have transgressed prescribed morals: Shame can have long-term implications as well; an “emotionally wounded person” is a person who experienced an episode of shame and has not been able to deal with that shame.
Although the experience of shame is always an unpleasant one, dealing with it is amazingly and surprisingly simple. All it takes is for one to recognize that shame has been triggered and then try to identify what triggered the shame. Ninety percent of the time, the reason will be one that does not warrant the resulting amount of shame. The other ten percent of shame-inducing situations may be difficult to deal with, but avoiding The Compass of Shame will help provide a resolution. When people become obsessed with some shame episode where they imagine other people “talking” about them, it is useful to remember that most people are too focused on their own experiences of shame to worry about those of other people. In other words, during a shame episode, most people exaggerate the effect that shame is having with illogical feelings such as “the whole school will now know [fill in the blanks]”. These irrational thoughts and feelings can have serious repercussions; as shame, for many people, has often led to suicide. A good resource on this topic can be found in Homosexual imagery in the pubertal and adolescent male, as presented at the "Child and Adolescent Mental Health" conference, Royal Ottawa Hospital, May 10, 1990.
A common mistake people make is to equate shame with guilt. Guilt and shame have characteristics in common, but according to Nathanson, however, they are separate entities. Guilt is a combination of the effects of shame and fear. For an individual to experience guilt, they must have done something to trigger that guilt. For instance, an impaired driver will feel guilt after hurting a pedestrian. For shame to be triggered, nothing necessarily has to happen. Many men who have sex with men will feel ashamed of their sexual needs and keep their sexual adventures to themselves. But this is just shame. On the other hand, guilt will come into play when men who have sex with men risk their health by engaging in unsafe sexual practices. Guilt does not go away but shame, if handled properly, can easily dissipate.
Whatever the relationship people may have with shame, it is here to stay; shame is just another feeling in the repertoire of emotions. Shame is not an experience that people can eliminate, but instead is an experience that people can greatly benefit from when they confront and learn from it.
From Wikipedia: “Homophobia encompasses a range of negative attitudes and feelings toward homosexuality or people who are identified or perceived as being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. It can be expressed as antipathy, contempt, prejudice, aversion, or hatred, may be based on irrational fear, and is sometimes related to religious beliefs”.
The Glasshouse Institute refers to these negative attitudes and feelings as Homosexual Threat. In The Reality of Men (1988) they explain Homosexual Threat with an example:
Let's start by clarifying what we mean by Homosexual Threat. It refers to a variety of feelings experienced by men when confronted with the issue of homosexuality. These feelings range from mild discomfort, to disgust, and even to real panic.
From a point of view of shame, homophobia is not the fear of anything homosexual, as it’s usually understood, but instead is the fear of the shame that anything homosexual may trigger. A man usually displays homophobia when he feels shame that has been triggered by something that he interprets as homosexual. It could even be a UFC fight, which is undoubtedly a very masculine sport, with some men thinking that the male groping is “too gay”.
According to the theory of Corporeal Epistemology, the majority of males at least experience dreams that are interpreted by the subject as “homosexual dreams”, simply because another male is involved. These dreams are usually shocking, especially to young boys, as they feel having these dreams threatens their masculinity. All these confusing experiences build the groundwork for homophobia to flourish. The belief in sexual orientation to explain male sexual behavior creates a caste system and a stratification of sexual categories, which in turn generates homophobia as men struggle to escape the lowest category: being gay.
The most significant characteristic of male homosexuality is the amount of shame that is associated with it. It is a “circumstantial shame” that cannot be blamed on the Catholic Church or on any of the old religious books. Male heterosexuality, on the other hand, is celebrated and has been a historical social symbol of masculinity and even in present day for gay self-identified men.
Male heterosexuality is the ultimate form of masculine power. Homosexuality, on the other hand, has a lower social ranking and forces people to hide, to confine themselves to “the closet”. In other words, male homosexuality is shameful. For many gay men, “gay pride” is a way to sublimate feelings of shame.
Male homosexuality combines the right set of conditions to bring upon a very powerful experience of shame. The Glasshouse Institute refers to this kind of shame as “circumstantial shame”, as opposed to “biologically determined shame”. The main conditions that set the environment of shame for male homosexuality are:
· General Body Shame
· Male Exposed Arousal
· Semen Fetish
Corporeal Epistemology is the study of the body as an object of knowledge (see Glasshouse Institute). In the case when a body or body parts are objects of knowledge, the access that a subject has to the object of knowledge is limited and restricted, even criminalized. According to Corporeal Epistemology, this “restricted access” to bodies is the essential component of what we call desire and erotic arousal. One of the byproducts of bodily interacn s shame, both for men and for women. This explains the embarrassment of nudity, however the details of this theory are beyond the scope of this site.
It is strange that the notion of the erection may affect the way men relate to bodies comes as a surprise to many people. Some women are even unaware of how terrifying it can be for some men to be naked in a public shower. Men know how tense those situations are. What occurs if a man gets an erection in front of 30 other naked men? He feels shame.
Unfortunately, the shame that a man may feel because of his erection is not only with an “inappropriate erection” in a shower full of naked men, but also when he doesn’t get an “appropriate erection” with a woman. This causes more shame. However, Viagra is helping men avoid this particular situation of shame.
It’s impossible to discuss any kind of fetish for semen without mentioning the Sambia people from the Eastern Highlands Province of Papua New Guinea. In his work, Gilbert Herdt describes semen ingestion practices with pubescent boys. The belief was that for those boys to be able to produce semen as adult men they had to first drink it from adult men.
Coming back to Western culture, in his one page article in Psychological Reports called Pornographic Films and Unconscious Homosexual Desire: An Hypothesis (1984) David Lester writes:
“The content of [heterosexual] pornographic films emphasizes close up views of penises. Fellatio is prominent. All ejaculations are shown and the semen visible… Aside from a few views of the female face and breast, the content is very similar to that of homosexual films, in which views of fellatio and intercourse also comprise most of the film.”
Semen is a major vector for HIV transmission, which is why it’s very important to understand the role that semen plays in a male’s sexual fantasy world. The reduction in condom usage can be explained as a need for men to experience semen and that they perceive condoms as an obstacle.
Corporeal Epistemology suggests that men develop a fetish for semen as the result of a frustrated attempt to experience semen while still feeling aroused — an impossibility as once the semen appears, the arousal has already dissipated. It’s common for men who have an orgasm in the presence of other men in saunas or public places to experience extreme guilt of having exposed themselves to STIs. What was perceived prior to the orgasm as extremely arousing becomes shameful after the orgasm. This shame perpetuates the fetish and the need to repeat the scene returns.
Despite more than one hundred years of research, sexuality continues to be a very mysterious aspect of the human experience. Sex is such a confusing issue for adults that most children are unable to get a direct answer to their many questions about sex. The Glasshouse Institute argues that clarity in sexual matters is achieved by disassembling the sexual experience and focusing exclusively on Erotic Desire.
Social etiquette regarding the body demonizes the body. Bodies become something to fear and out of reach, especially the genital area. For boys, this fear creates something Corporeal Epistemology refers to as Conflict with the Penis, — boy experiences his penis but receives no acknowledgment of it from the outside world. In The Reality of Men, they explain:
The second source of conflict results from the fact that male sexual response is observable, that erections are visible. Thus the child feels exposed. This reinforces the conflict. The child sees his penis as a somewhat dangerous thing which could betray his most private feelings. All this interferes with the boy's ability to identify his penis as a part of himself. This results in an inability to develop a complete bodily concept. Let alone a concept of his masculinity, which more directly involves the penis. The penis has become something that males have, rather than a part of who they are.
By dissecting what we know as “sex” and re-interpreting “desire”, NSA sex can then be viewed as a valid form of sexual expression very much like pornography. Furthermore, there is strong evidence that erotic and sexual games among men are crucial for the development of the male identity.
By isolating erotic arousal, important aspects of the male erotic experience emerge. Male erotic arousal deserves particular attention and must be examined independently and not as a precursor to sexual activity. By disassociating erotic arousal from sex we can no longer use reproduction to explain erotic arousal. There are situations that make it very clear that there is no connection between erotic arousal and reproduction. To illustrate this point a good example is the case of a middle-aged man who, after a swim at a public pool, stops for a shower next to the locker room. While he takes the shower he notices an anonymous young man and he realizes that he has become aroused by that interaction. It causes confusion and the experience has to be suppressed. It turns out that the anonymous young man reminded the middle-aged man of himself at that young age. The connection to his own youth triggered by the presence of the anonymous young man in front of him caused the erotic arousal and the feeling that an erection was about to happen.
Casual erotic arousal is linked to issues of identity, as is the case of the middle-aged man. This is not necessarily the case when erotic arousal involves people who know and respect each other, and outside the scope of this website. Anonymous situations of erotic arousal can be very powerful experiences because shame is suppressed by the complete anonymity.
It’s important to consider the censorship of the erection when examining male sexual behavior that promotes STIs. The big incentive to attend places such all-male saunas and sex clubs is not necessarily the sex but the opportunity for men to unleash their erotic arousal. For example, men can grab each other’s genitals, an act that could result in jail for assault in the outside world.
It has long been believed that erotic arousal is triggered by an external agent, be it a woman, man, or a pornographic video. Depending on the content of the external agent the individual is then categorized as homosexual, heterosexual and bisexual (every day new categories appear). This very simplistic view of the sexual experience ignores what Corporeal Epistemology believes to be the most powerful experience of erotic arousal: Feeling wanted.
Another important aspect of erotic arousal ignored by Sexual Orientation is the experience of “feeling wanted”. Corporeal Epistemology suggests that “feeling wanted” is likely the most powerful erotic experience for both men and women. This aspect of arousal is socially acceptable in women but unfortunately associated with narcissism and personality disorders in men. Heterosexuality places the woman as the object of desire and the one to experience “feeling wanted”. Her partner’s erection further validates her experience of “feeling wanted”. The erection provides a strong validation to a woman, one that a man cannot obtain from a woman, only from another man. Given that men’s language of arousal is the erection it’s not surprising when men report experiencing another man’s erection as a very powerful experience.
Anonymous encounters provide men with the freedom to experience “feeling wanted” without the constraints imposed by shame. Attempts to replicate these experiences with male friends or acquaintances are usually sabotaged by shame. In anonymous situations, shame is never triggered, allowing access to unfettered erotic and sexual experiences. It’s common for men to discover through these experiences that they are perceived as attractive to other men, something they never experienced before. A big part of the “cruising for sex” experience is motivated by the need to “feel wanted”.
One of the aspects of male-to-male sex dynamics that most men find very intriguing is that the sex roles have to be negotiated: who will fuck who? Some men view themselves as 100% bottom and they will never penetrate another man. Others want the opposite.
Men who view themselves as versatile and who enjoy both penetrating and being penetrated also come in different varieties. Some are “serially” versatile which means that sometimes they enjoy penetrating anal sex and sometimes they enjoy being penetrated, with different men. Some are “flip-flop” versatile because they penetrate and are penetrated in the same sexual encounter.
A lot can be said about this subject and examine the dynamics that govern the choice of roles for men, many times difficult to predict. For instance, many believe that men married to women decide to start having sex with men they will be mostly interested in penetrating. But the facts point in a different direction.
Because we are discussing anonymous sex, it should be mentioned that in anonymous sex situations roles can be experienced in a vicarious way without actually having to experience it.
"When dealing with the conflict with the penis one must not censor feelings or fantasies. One must only place them in the appropriate context by always remembering that these fantasies represent an attempt to come to terms with one's own body, to internalize one's own penis and one's own sexuality. Ultimately every man wants his own masculinity and no one else's." (“The Reality of Men”, Glasshouse Institute, 1988)
“Coming out” in the traditional way does not feel right to all men who have sex with men. There are even many men whose only sexual encounters are anonymous, yet these men have difficulties self-identifying as gay. On the one hand “being gay” is more than having fleeting sexual encounters. On the other hand, most men are aware of a caste system of masculinity which presents “being gay” as having to give up part of their masculinity.
Gay is an identity; therefore, that only makes sense as a self-identity, such as “I am gay” or “John said he was gay.” It doesn’t make sense to say “John is gay” simply because John has sex with men. “Being gay” cannot be forced upon someone. There are many men who have sex with men not because they “like men”, but because they like the way in which men more typically engage in the sexual game, no-strings, no commitments.
The real coming out for men is not about saying “I’m different” but the realization that the male body is not a forbidden fruit—that feeling aroused by male bodies or feeling love and closeness for another man is something that men must experience without shame. The only requirement is to take responsibility for their sexual health, which is why a membership at SafestSex.org is recommended in order to fully enjoy the experience.
Men contemplating sex with other men have to be aware that it’s a very complex journey, one that some men may not be prepared to undertake. A case in point are middle-aged men who all of a sudden decide to explore the world of sex with men; it can be a very disappointing and frustrating experience.
Let’s end this discussion with some humor with an interview with ProfessorPuppet about sex with men: Hans on (gay) Sex with Travis Richey.